I do a lot of thinking in the evening.

i need to surround myself with people who make me mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy. what is this obsession i have with people who bring me down? why is it that i let myself get hurt? be scared? what made me have such little concern for my own well being. i’m happy, aren’t i? sometimes i feel like i’m actually just a cynical person who pretends to be happy. am i really just insincere? i’m very afraid of the future. i just want to be small. i don’t want to be something important at the risk of letting people down. i don’t know what i want. it’s hard. i’m such a goal-oriented person. so when i have nothing solid ahead of me, i want to just shut down. maybe all i need is a hug. maybe i need to talk to someone. no. i do need to talk to someone. i’ve shut out my past. if i’m ever going to get to the future, i have to understand where i’ve started from. i just, i just don’t want to go back. being young was so hard for me. i was taken advantage of, treated badly, and at the same time was given more opportunities than 100 kids get in a lifetime. does that make me ungrateful? my mind aches. and so does my heart. i’m afraid for you, philip. i really am. i care about you so much, but i’m not sure if you’re okay. i feel helpless, because i know that there’s nothing i can do. not that i want to change you. i just don’t want to see you hurt. and i don’t want you to hurt me again. i’ve been feeling very plain. like, what i am isn’t complex. my thoughts and feelings feel so basic compared with those i’ve seen. i just want to be personal. “whatever anything else is it ought to start out by being personal.” i like to connect with people. in some way it makes us feel more real. like, we are apart of something that is larger than we are. just think. every other person out there in the world has thoughts and feelings just like you. think about how complex your life is and how things effect you. now multiply that by six billion. it’s scary, isn’t it. i would really recommend listening to the song, “john wayne gacy, jr.” by sufjan stevens. yes, it’s about a serial killer who raped yound boys, but it makes you appreciate life and think about those who don’t have one. it makes me cry every time. but that’s probably because it hits much closer to home. i’m done.

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